Once A Friend
by Jillcb
Summary: This is set during The Diamond of the Day, and is about Merlin travelling to the Crystal Cave with Gwaine. It is a story about two friend's loyalty to each other, and how in the end Merlin is challenged to come from out of the shadows and into the daylight.


**Once A Friend**

Ever since Merlin had lost his magic, he knew that somehow he must leave Camelot and try and regain it. Even if at the moment all he wanted to do was hide away somewhere, his feeling of vulnerability both open and cutting. To everyone else he was still the same Merlin, servant to the same Merlin who was always there for people whenever they needed any assistance.

In the same way that he hid his magic from everyone, now he no longer had it, he still had an irrational fear of discovery. It was a feeling that someone would notice him acting differently and guess his secret anyway. It made no real sense to Merlin yet the longer he lived without his magical skin the more he felt vulnerable and plain scared.

Now that Morgana had attacked Stowell the citadel at Camelot was on a high state of alert. There was tension everywhere both inside and outside of the castle. Merlin noticed it with every passing hour. The war was getting ever nearer, and Merlin was now in a highly risky position. He had no defence either for himself or for Arthur.

Somehow he had to get himself to the Crystal Cave in the Valley of the Fallen Kings. It was the only way that he could regain his magic, and be of assistance to Arthur. He knew it was a very dangerous journey, and for that reason he had asked Gwaine to accompany him there.

He knew he could rely on his friend for his life, and he also hoped that the Knight would refrain from asking any awkward questions, such as why on earth was Merlin having to make the journey there in the first place. Camelot after all was in the midst of preparation for war, Merlin could hardly have asked a favour at a worse possible time.

Merlin had met Gwaine outside, having prepared two horses for the journey ahead. Gwaine as ever looked every inch the Knight. He was confident, walking with a swagger the air of someone who was merely going out on a ride; not a journey to one of the most dangerous parts of the Kingdom. As Merlin watched him, he got a surge of confidence from his friend; he knew he had asked the best possible person.

"So Merlin are you ready?" Gwaine asked having climbed onto his horse.

"Yes. Thank you for accompanying me Gwaine, I know it is an awkward time." Merlin said.

"Nothing is too much trouble for you Merlin, you know that." the Knight smiled as he urged his horse forward.

The journey in the first few hours was uneventful; the weather had a murky feel about it, which added to Merlin's frame of mind. At the moment it felt as if he was a stranger to this world. Where before everything was natural, where things had an order about it, now he felt lost and alone. It was as though he was adrift in a dark black forest from which there was no escape. In losing his magic he had lost the very reason he existed in the first place.

He felt naked and totally ill at ease with the environment that usually he would have walked through, without a single doubt or sense of fear. They had come to a halt as the path narrowed and they were forced to follow in line.

As if sensing Merlin's unease Gwaine watched his friend with a worried frown.

"Merlin are you okay?" he asked. "You seem very quiet these last couple of days."

Merlin tensed hating the fact that yet again he would have to lie to a friend.

"I'm alright I just have a few things on my mind that's all." Merlin tried to explain, but every word seemed like a weight on his already tense shoulders.

Gwaine said. "You know I'm always here for you. I may act the fool but I'm always there for my friends."

For a moment Merlin felt tears forming in his eyes, and he was glad that Gwaine was unable to see his face. The Knight had always been a friend to him, right from the first moment that they'd met. Merlin wished with all his heart that he could unburden himself and tell Gwaine his secret. Just as he was tempted the protective veil came down over him again.

"Yes thank you Gwaine, you know I'll always be there for you too."

To Merlin's relief the path widened out and the two horses were soon galloping through the forest again. The nearer Merlin rode to the Valley the stranger he felt. It felt as if without his magic he had lost all connection with the world around him. Nothing seemed to call to him, everything was cold and unfeeling. Usually by now Merlin would be feeling totally in tune with everything around him, but now it seemed as if it was a deep empty void.

Merlin recognised the path ahead and they slowed their horses down finding a place where they could graze them.

"So where are we going?" Gwaine asked curiously.

"Go down the path straight ahead." Merlin said pointing ahead of them.

Gwaine took the lead walking in his usual confident manner. Merlin followed a feeling of deep apprehension inside him. Any minute a bandit could come out of nowhere and attack them, and this time Merlin would be defenceless. He would only have his friend to rely on, he decided to try and get a light conversation going between them.

"At least I've got you out of cleaning duties." Merlin remarked.

"Yes I'm grateful for that." Gwaine grinned. "Thanks for everything you did for Eira."

"There's no need to thank me, it was the least I could do. And you seem to care for her." Merlin remarked remembering how tender the Knight was with the girl he rescued from Stowell.

"I could hardly leave her to the Saxons." Gwaine claimed trying to make light of it.

"Was that your only reason for rescuing her?" Merlin asked suddenly intrigued.

"What do you mean? Of course it was." Gwaine said trying to sound savvy about it.

Suddenly behind them a twig snapped and bandits came running at them. Merlin immediately turned away trying to hide as much as possible. All he could do was hope and pray that Gwaine could somehow deal with them. While Gwaine was fighting one man; Merlin suddenly slipped over allowing another bandit to make his way over to him; The man held his weapon over Merlin's head, ready to finish him off.

Never before had Merlin felt as vulnerable as he did now. His eyes were wide his breaths came out of his mouth quickly, as he watched the man bring down his weapon he yelled at the top of his voice.

"Gwaine!"

Gwaine came running over stabbing the man in the back, all Merlin could do was lie there his hands protectively over his face as he watched the bandit fall onto the ground by his feet.

Gwaine looked at Merlin closely offering his hand and pulled him up. For a moment they stood face to face.

"You okay?"

"Yes. I think so." Merlin said attempting a laugh, "Thank you." It had been a close call but once again his friend had saved him, and suddenly Merlin felt a glimmer of confidence as he stood at the entrance of the Crystal Cave.

He knew now was the time he would have to part from Gwaine, he couldn't afford for him to come any closer.

"I can make my own way from here." Merlin remarked looking at Gwaine.

Gwaine had come to a stop a puzzled look on his face.

"Sorry?" Gwaine asked.

"You needn't come any further I'll be fine." Merlin assured him.

"But how will you get back to Camelot?" Gwaine asked him a concerned look on his face.

"Once I have what I've been looking for I'll be safe. I promise you" Merlin replied softly, wishing Gwaine would now just leave. The more they spoke the harder it was getting for him to keep the pretence going.

"What are you looking for?" Gwaine asked.

"I can't tell you that Gwaine." As Merlin said the words suddenly a feeling of repulsion washed over him. He was having to turn another friend away, lie yet again to safe his secret. This was a friend who had just saved his life, who in this moment deserved more than this.

"You just have to trust me." Merlin heard himself going, his words coming out automatically.

But Gwaine did not move, instead he just stood watching his friend a look of gentle understanding on his face. A look of such support that Merlin had to fight back his tears.

"Please Gwaine." Merlin begged him, feeling himself almost turn to jelly.

"Merlin there is nothing you cannot tell me." Gwaine said "There is no secret too big I would never judge you, you know that."

"Gwaine, Arthur needs you."

"To hell with Arthur, this is about you Merlin." Gwaine said not aggressively, but with a look of such love and support, that Merlin found himself unable to look at his friend any longer.

Suddenly Merlin realised that this was the moment, could he do it. Could he overcome a lifetime of secrets and guilty feelings; This was a chance to be honest with someone to clear his burden to unlock his control. This was a chance to be accepted for what he actually was, to be judged on his own merits. He could feel his head aching as he fought all the answers running through his mind. But when he looked at Gwaine all he could see was a genuine love and affection for a friend.

Suddenly he broke. "Gwaine I'm a sorcerer. I have magic."

For a second their eyes connected with each other, Merlin tensed worried that he had made the wrong decision that his world was about to fall around him in tatters.

"Is that all?" Gwaine asked shrugging.

"What do you mean?" Merlin asked shock on his face, in all the ways he expected Gwaine to react this was not one of them, and yet when he thought about it, it was actually the way he should have expected him too.

After all this was Gwaine, his friend a man who never judged but just accepted people for what they were. Suddenly he knew he had made the right decision, he smiled. Merlin relaxed knowing that at long last he had a friend whom he could rely on to keep his secret, but would always be there should he need a helping hand.

"I always knew there was something about you Merlin. One thing puzzles me why have we come here?" Gwaine asked, curiously

" I have lost my magic." Merlin grimaced hating to admit it out loud. "The Crystal Cave is where magic began. It is here where I have the chance to regain it."

Gwaine thought for a second, taking the words in, before asking a question that puzzled him.

"How did you lose your magic?"

"That's a long story Gwaine, one day I will tell you I promise." Merlin said.

"I'll look forward to that. Now let's get your magic back, and get back to Camelot. We have a battle to win" Gwaine smiled, not wanting to delay his friend any longer.

They entered the Crystal Cave together, and at last Merlin started to feel whole again.


End file.
